Before christmas..
I would like to reach my 1gw, and surprise my mother. Like shock her!!
and During sem break.. SHOCK HER even more.
Reach my second gw, get bloody good grades.
:)
not too late yet.
I want to shock my family!! SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK!! BAAM BAAM BAAM!! KAPOW!
And I want to be with Lishia during sem break. And October.. if she wants it.
And spend time with Kausy. MUST MUST!!
I want to become a fitness freak :)
I want to get good grades.
I want a even close relationship with God. Wait scratch that. I want to begin my relationship all over again.
I want to do well. I dont want to be sick again.
Sleepover story and bahahahah
This is worth writing. : )
So yesterday, Lishia and I were talking downstairs while she was waiting for the bus. And, well... we decided to chat some more when she got back. I however, had my usual terrible headache, and decided to get something cold before i go to bed. Not much sleep for a long ass time.
On the way I met Vishnu, and we were chatting well, we decided to meet up later to hang out (sorta)
So i went to bed, woke up a bit later, and texted Lishia and told her to come if she wants. Well guess what? Everyone was coming. Lishia, Vishnu, Chua, Caroline, Mark. So they came, and we chatted and karaoke-d, and talked nonsense. Then Suria decided to join us. Sleepover!!
Caroline went to yumcha with others, and Vishnu was stoned on my bed lol.
Well the rest decided to go get some yummy stuff, and Lishia, Suria and I had a little endeavour by ourselves.
And then it was back home, and yapping away till I fell asleep and Vishnu and Chua decided to sleep here too.. I mean, Vishie was already asleep.
It was fun! I love when there are people around me. I love it!
Sometimes I feel so scared Im going to lose my friends. Because I love them so much! I cannot bear to lose them. I think I have some relationships to mend. But I think it all will be well.
I have decided to go to God for my cares and worries but give my very best to my friends, and family and people I care about. They dont need my shit. They need someone to be there for them.
So yesterday, Lishia and I were talking downstairs while she was waiting for the bus. And, well... we decided to chat some more when she got back. I however, had my usual terrible headache, and decided to get something cold before i go to bed. Not much sleep for a long ass time.
On the way I met Vishnu, and we were chatting well, we decided to meet up later to hang out (sorta)
So i went to bed, woke up a bit later, and texted Lishia and told her to come if she wants. Well guess what? Everyone was coming. Lishia, Vishnu, Chua, Caroline, Mark. So they came, and we chatted and karaoke-d, and talked nonsense. Then Suria decided to join us. Sleepover!!
Caroline went to yumcha with others, and Vishnu was stoned on my bed lol.
Well the rest decided to go get some yummy stuff, and Lishia, Suria and I had a little endeavour by ourselves.
And then it was back home, and yapping away till I fell asleep and Vishnu and Chua decided to sleep here too.. I mean, Vishie was already asleep.
It was fun! I love when there are people around me. I love it!
Sometimes I feel so scared Im going to lose my friends. Because I love them so much! I cannot bear to lose them. I think I have some relationships to mend. But I think it all will be well.
I have decided to go to God for my cares and worries but give my very best to my friends, and family and people I care about. They dont need my shit. They need someone to be there for them.
Only Hope
When it feels like my dream are so far..
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
One thing i learnt my entire life, is that trusting people is tricky business...
People are only there for you to a certain level. And many times, self comes first before others.
I am learning to trust God again... He is the only one who never gave up on loving me.
I cant give up on Him..
Coz He hasnt yet.
Waiting for someone to say this to me.
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you
(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you
(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)
You said you wouldnt leave me. Will be there for me forever.
I trusted you. I gave you my broken heart.
And then what do you do... you step on it, you crush it up even more.
Give it back to me. Now you say you hate me. Never ever wanna see me.
I took my heart to them. They said they loved me. They said we'll be together forever.
But they ran away when they saw my broken heart. They didnt want it.
So I bring my little heart to You again.
I've damaged it so much. It looks nothing like how You first gave me.
Wont You take me away before I damage it even more?
I am just starting to realise how fake everything really is...
I trusted you. I gave you my broken heart.
And then what do you do... you step on it, you crush it up even more.
Give it back to me. Now you say you hate me. Never ever wanna see me.
I took my heart to them. They said they loved me. They said we'll be together forever.
But they ran away when they saw my broken heart. They didnt want it.
So I bring my little heart to You again.
I've damaged it so much. It looks nothing like how You first gave me.
Wont You take me away before I damage it even more?
I am just starting to realise how fake everything really is...
this new year i dont want to make resolutions.. I want the ones I made resolved.
Over and done with.
btw.... I think I'm finally ready to fall in love again..
I might have actually moved on without me knowing..
or its my psycho head thats taking over and I AM BEING freaking me myself and I
Over and done with.
btw.... I think I'm finally ready to fall in love again..
I might have actually moved on without me knowing..
or its my psycho head thats taking over and I AM BEING freaking me myself and I
Doesnt it count?
My mum sent me this message today
"Sai is learning tamil from your books. They've gone to KL"
To you guys.. its just a text. just information.. to me, its enough to cause me depression.
All my life, Saishree(my cousin sister) has always been perfect. Better than me. Ever since she came into my life.. our lives, Im not important anymore. Im not 'valid' anymore. I am just the wrongly adopted girl who caused havoc in everyone's life. Am i making this up??
No!
My mum patronizes her. Always comparing.
"Saishree is so thin and perfect. why cant you have willpower like her?"
"Saishree listens to her mum! She is always cooperating with her mum. If only you coperated with me, we wouldnt be like this,"
"I never wanted you. It was my brother and your stupid father that forced you upon me"
"Why cant you be like saishree. She eats so little,"
"Saishree has her whole life set up for her. She is going to be very successful. Unlike you. How can I be proud of you. You are like white trash,"
And i cant even hate her, because everything else she does, she does it out of love and duty.
So how do I tell her? She always denies it. She manipulates her words till I can never point out or voice out how I feel without looking like a douche.
Doesnt it count that I came out of a wicked relationship for you?
Doesnt it count that I managed to get myself in uni and am working hard for you?
Doesnt it count that I forgot to dream dreams for myself and am living solely for you?
Doesnt it count that I have my talents too? How come you never saw those ma?
I can speak fluent tamil ma.. I can write too. I can do so much more than Saishree ma. why doesnt that count for you?
I am never going to measure up until I am prettier, smarter, better than her.
dont worry ma..I am doing something about it.
Even if it takes dying to get there.
"Sai is learning tamil from your books. They've gone to KL"
To you guys.. its just a text. just information.. to me, its enough to cause me depression.
All my life, Saishree(my cousin sister) has always been perfect. Better than me. Ever since she came into my life.. our lives, Im not important anymore. Im not 'valid' anymore. I am just the wrongly adopted girl who caused havoc in everyone's life. Am i making this up??
No!
My mum patronizes her. Always comparing.
"Saishree is so thin and perfect. why cant you have willpower like her?"
"Saishree listens to her mum! She is always cooperating with her mum. If only you coperated with me, we wouldnt be like this,"
"I never wanted you. It was my brother and your stupid father that forced you upon me"
"Why cant you be like saishree. She eats so little,"
"Saishree has her whole life set up for her. She is going to be very successful. Unlike you. How can I be proud of you. You are like white trash,"
And i cant even hate her, because everything else she does, she does it out of love and duty.
So how do I tell her? She always denies it. She manipulates her words till I can never point out or voice out how I feel without looking like a douche.
Doesnt it count that I came out of a wicked relationship for you?
Doesnt it count that I managed to get myself in uni and am working hard for you?
Doesnt it count that I forgot to dream dreams for myself and am living solely for you?
Doesnt it count that I have my talents too? How come you never saw those ma?
I can speak fluent tamil ma.. I can write too. I can do so much more than Saishree ma. why doesnt that count for you?
I am never going to measure up until I am prettier, smarter, better than her.
dont worry ma..I am doing something about it.
Even if it takes dying to get there.
If having an eating disorder was a diet, that makes you beautiful.. I would have been that pretty girl years ago.
If purging and restriction and abusing myself promised me a life of wonderful things, I would been living my life years ago.
I would just be laughed at if I asked for help. So Im giving help up for a while.
Until it comes to me by itself.
I used to stick my finger up my throat so that my mum would love me more, so that my Ikey would love me more, so that I would be more attractive. So that I wouldnt end up with a psycho guy. The very same action Im doing right now for the exact opposite reason. I am afraid to be attractive. I am afraid to be hurt again. I want to be fragile and untouchable.
Im screwed.
God.. I fairly disappoint you. all the time. Do something with me. Help me out.. Or take me away from this life. I really do not deserve you. I suck at this.
If purging and restriction and abusing myself promised me a life of wonderful things, I would been living my life years ago.
I would just be laughed at if I asked for help. So Im giving help up for a while.
Until it comes to me by itself.
I used to stick my finger up my throat so that my mum would love me more, so that my Ikey would love me more, so that I would be more attractive. So that I wouldnt end up with a psycho guy. The very same action Im doing right now for the exact opposite reason. I am afraid to be attractive. I am afraid to be hurt again. I want to be fragile and untouchable.
Im screwed.
God.. I fairly disappoint you. all the time. Do something with me. Help me out.. Or take me away from this life. I really do not deserve you. I suck at this.
Random
I am trying to turn inside out. Figuratively I mean.
=]
=/
=(
='(
damn it
on another note,
like these ones too
And I love this song!!
Val Emmich-Snowy Day
every day just blurs into one
the moon starts to look just like the sun
full steam ahead day to night
never fully charged, never quite right
but she was a snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me get some rest, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
bleary eyed, i drag my feet along
by the time the caffeine hits the day is gone
but she came and gave me time to catch my breath
she shut the city down, no one's left the house yet
yeah she was a snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me get some rest, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
the sun is hidden well behind
a sky of white has frozen time
and all responsibilities delayed
one by one the deck is stacked
with all that modern life can pack
I don't know how much more that I can take
I'm so thankful for this snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me catch my breath, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
she was a snowy day
=]
=/
=(
='(
damn it
on another note,
like these ones too
And I love this song!!Val Emmich-Snowy Day
every day just blurs into one
the moon starts to look just like the sun
full steam ahead day to night
never fully charged, never quite right
but she was a snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me get some rest, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
bleary eyed, i drag my feet along
by the time the caffeine hits the day is gone
but she came and gave me time to catch my breath
she shut the city down, no one's left the house yet
yeah she was a snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me get some rest, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
the sun is hidden well behind
a sky of white has frozen time
and all responsibilities delayed
one by one the deck is stacked
with all that modern life can pack
I don't know how much more that I can take
I'm so thankful for this snowy day
a break from working hard for such little pay
yeah she was a snowy day
she let me catch my breath, she let me sleep real late
so I could fight another day
she was a snowy day
